William Byfield's Secret E-Diary
Secret E-Diary - April 2014
Battle lines are drawn
My party political allegiances remained pretty constant until the day I found myself driving behind a car that had a sticker on its rear windscreen. Generally, I fi nd these proclamations very annoying. Top of my hate list is “Drive Carefully! Baby on Board!” Whenever I see this particular command, it coincides with a car that is being driven badly in some way – the last one cut me up having undertaken my car at high speed on the M4 – and has no baby in the vehicle at all, unless it has been placed in the boot. However, on this day of my political metamorphosis, I found the rear sticker not only completely failed to irritate me but actually expressed a thought that had been germinating in my head for some time. It read, simply and succinctly: “Don’t Vote! It Only Encourages Them.”
Secret E-Diary - March 2013
The Calm Before The Storm
Despite initial skirmishes, the phoney war between the publicly funded Bar and the Ministry of “Justice” continues while we wait for the real conflict to begin. Is the Public Defender scheme the plan B of which my mandarin friend warned me or is it yet another smokescreen to cover even more awful shenanigans deep in the Whitehall bunker? Andrew, our Senior Clerk, who hides a twitchy personality under a mask of assurance and confidence, came upstairs for our weekly Headmaster’s chat. It had long ago ceased to be enjoyable and now is simply a list of actual, putative, impending or imaginary crises.
Secret E–Diary – February 2014
A strike or not a strike? That is the question.
Everybody has returned from the seasonal festivities absent the traditional good cheer. The clerks have “accidentally” discovered a working party report from a sub-committee chaired by one or other of the brothers Twist – a committee that I have to confess I had no idea I had appointed and probably never did – that has recommended our staff take the same pay cut proposed for us by a Ministry of Justice that increasingly looks better equipped to be engaged in the used-car trade.
Secret E–Diary – January 2014
Expect the Unexpected
One of the great joys of my life is returning home after a hard day’s gossiping in Chambers: shoes off, feet on the stool and a stiff gin and tonic. Or should I say “some gin with tonic”?
A friend of mine at university once over-reached himself by taking out a girl called Jane, whose family was from the deepest Shires: the sort that disdains titles, never double-barrels and considers the Royal Family to be parvenus. He was invited for a weekend. Jane later told him in the Kardomah Café (she was a girl of simple tastes) that, after his departure, her mother had listed in order the ten social solecisms of his visit. Top of the list was that he had asked for “a gin and tonic” and not “some gin with tonic”. How we laughed when he told us until I next ordered a combination drink and heard myself asking for some whisky with soda.
Secret E-Diary - December 2013
Dreams of an international legal career are shattered
November 5, 2013: “Treason doth never prosper. What’s the reason? For if it prosper, none dare call it ‘treason’” – Sir John Harrington
The lingering taste of delicious fresh pasta, seasoned with freshly cracked black pepper, fresh herbs, garlic and a sprinkling of Parmesan cheese, eaten to the accompaniment of a mandolin played by a one-legged Roman beggar, is receding apace. Rome. What a few days that was. After sobering up Paddy Corkhill sufficiently to travel by air, we arrived in the Eternal City and, following a shower, were motored to a delightful restaurant where three men were waiting for us.
Secret E-Diary - November 2013
After life on the circuit and (not far) beyond, la dolce vita beckons
October 11, 2013: “All things atrocious and shameless flock from all parts to Rome” – Tacitus
A London criminal barrister’s life has a pattern: a case at Snaresbrook, a plea at Inner London, a trek out to Harrow, something juicy at the Bailey, the joys of Woolwich. True, some buildings look increasingly ropey, the facilities in the Bar Mess diminish on an almost hourly basis, the coffee comes in larger cups at higher prices; but our interest does not come from these sybaritic niceties as much as the infinite variety of people that we meet.
Secret E-Diary - October 2013
New Year in the Autumn, and the law of unintended consequences
September 15, 2013: “To be Irish is to know that in the end the world will break your heart.” – Daniel Patrick Moynihan
Some begin their new year in the Autumn; others start on January 1 and a third class commence on April 6. I am not here referring to the Chinese New Year, the Julian Calendar or the religious obsession with new moons, but the Professional New Year, followed by the universities, schools, and others, including the legal profession; the Traditional New Year celebrated with increasingly extravagant displays to warm the hearts of every rolling news channel, somewhat eclipsing those Scottish performances which were viewed by the rest of us with incomprehension and dismay in the sixties and seventies; and the Financial New Year celebrated by the Treasury, HMRC and accountants.
Secret E-Diary - September 2013
We live in a world of the personality cult where urban rats being represented by thugs will rarely win the day.
August 12, 2013: “It’s not whether you win or lose; it’s how you place the blame.” Oscar Wilde
We are now on a charming Scandinavian cruise. Idyllic, and yet…There is something about a barrister’s life that makes holidays more stressful than work. My own theory is that it is adrenalin withdrawal: so many hormone surges occur during trials. Holidays, on the other hand, are contrast-free and can become just a tiny bit boring. Nevertheless, I was plain exhausted after the trial of Jason Grimble, who, together with Moses Lane, allegedly murdered Claude Allerick, sometime one of Her Majesty’s less popular circuit judges and former member of Gutteridge Chambers.
Secret E-Diary - August 2013
Allergic reactions to press releases from the Ministry of Justice
July 12, 2013: “Life could be horrible in the wrong trouser of time.” Terry Pratchett
Barristers possess certain genetic self-protection, such as the ability to limit outbursts of terror, anger and panic to brief moments. The usual triggers for these uncontrollable emotions are entry into the Royal Courts of Justice (terror), a visit to the clerks’ room (anger) and listening to a client’s explanation of his defence (panic). The attacks are generally best alleviated by going into court and doing something, or going into El Vino’s and drinking something. Additional triggers, often evoking a combination of all three states at once, include communications from HMRC, the Bar Standards Board or the Bank. Drink is the preferred soporific in these cases.
Secret E-Diary - July 2013
A minute’s silence for the passing of the legal aid sytem
June 10, 2013: “Nothing’s sacred to those devils.” Batman (Adam West)
Short of bumping into the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse on the way to the Bailey, things could not feel more eschatological. Arriving, I spotted what looked like a huge number of nicotine-addicted barristers congregating on the pavement outside the entrance. Hetty Briar-Pitt, my junior, barred my entry and forced me, like a shy horse, into their ranks. It dawned on me then that this was, in fact, a minute’s silence for the passing of the legal aid system.
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